Charley-Boy

I should like today to deliver myself of further remarks about the English Royal Family, for I'm concerned about the fate of the Monarchy when Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth finally goes to her Eternal Reward. My concern centres around her oldest son, Prince Charles, who is so pathetic a figure that each time I say or write the name "Prince Charles" I get pains in my stomach. So, for the purposes of today's posting, I have little alternative than to refer to him as Charley-Boy.

Should Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth ever click into this blog and read what I'll write today, I hope she'll understand why I'm referring to her oldest son as Charley-Boy, for if Her Majesty is as kind a person as I believe she is, she wouldn't want me, an old man of 113, to experience stomach pains unnecessarily.

With each passing day my reverence for Her Majesty increases, for she is all that stands between us and the forces of godless nihilism, whose mouthpiece is that socialist rag, The Guardian, which would impose a republic on England, our Sceptred Isle, our Green and Pleasant Land.

Once Her Majesty goes to her Eternal Reward I fear the game will be up for our Monarchy, for Charley-Boy just won’t cut it as king. We can’t have a king who talks to plants and isn’t man enough to sire children, for it should be obvious to all that Charley-Boy isn’t the biological father of the two boys his late wife bore. Add to this that Charley-Boy is - not to put too fine a point on it - unspeakably ugly. I don’t think I’ve seen anyone uglier throughout my 113 years. To have a king as ugly as Charley-Boy would make us English the laughing-stock of the world.

So when Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth does finally go to her Eternal Reward, it may be the moment for us English to change to another ruling family, since the Windsors have been around so long they’ve become quite inbred, and so are no longer too bright. Other family lines within the English aristocracy have, in fact, been contemplated, but no one has had the temerity to suggest a royal family line from one of the many countries of the Commonwealth. This is quite extraordinary, since the Queen of England is also the head of the Commonwealth.

I realise, of course, that for me to suggest a non-English royal family to rule England, might be regarded as treasonous by some of you, my readers, especially if you are a Little-Englander. But, I ask you, when last was England ruled by a Royal Family which was English? You should remember that the current English Royal Family is German - the House of Windsor being in reality the House of Schleswig-Holstein-Sonderburg-Glücksburg. This was such a mouthful that the name was changed to the much more manageable "Windsor".

So for me, the prospect of our future royal family coming somewhere from within our quondam Empire, called today the Commonwealth, is - in the parlance of you Americans - no "Big Deal". Although 113, I am at heart still a young man, a man with my fingers on the Zeitgeist. I therefore embrace the new technologies like the laptop computer, which has enabled me to create this blog which you are reading. Men like me, with their fingers on the Zeitgeist, are able quite easily - in another phrase of you Americans - to "think outside the box". And what could be more "outside the box" than for the future English Royal Family to come from the Commonwealth?

A leading country in the Commonwealth, South Africa, has, for instance, the Zulu royal family, whose head, Goodwill Zwelethini, is king of the Zulu nation. King Goodwill was born in 1948, the same year as Charley-Boy, but, unlike Charley-Boy, is actually a king, not just a prince, and moreover has been a king for over thirty-five years. King Goodwill Zwelethini is therefore most experienced in the arts of kingship, and so would be ideal to be installed as King of England and the Commonwealth when Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth departs from us forever.

King Goodwill has twenty-seven sons and daughters, so there would always be a potential heir to the English throne should any pre-decease their father. And the King and his family like to spend money generously, as any self-respecting Royals should. For instance the Zulu royals, in 2006, spent over $123,000 on buying luxury motor cars alone.

King Goodwill Zwelethini of England and the Commonwealth. It is an idea whose time has come.